I don’t think about my fingernails. I type for a living so beyond keeping them clean and keeping them short they just don’t signify for me unless I have a hangnail.
I am clearly in the minority.
There are 579 nail salons listed for Vancouver. That seems like a lot to me. And I guess because there are 579 it gets hard after a while to come up with a unique name when you are setting up shop. Vancouver is a big multicultural city, which means lots of variety in food, lots of potential for misunderstanding and apparently really great nail salon names.
My favorite for its abrupt simplicity is Steve Nail. I drive by Steve Nail quite often and have developed a rather elaborate fiction about the place that I do not ever intend to destroy by actually setting foot inside. I picture a Filipino version of Vernon Hardapple (from the movie Wonder Boys) answering the phone with an emphatic and heavily accented “Steve Nail!” In my imagination Steve is a horrible boss but he makes all his “ladies” feel special, which keeps them coming back. Steve sings along in a showy way to 3 cd’s (Milli Vanilli, Ricky Martin,the original London soundtrack to Cats) played over and over, except on the days that he is sad and then he plays Air Supply and doesn’t sing, and no-one talks and the “ladies” pat him and are worried.
So Steve Nail got me thinking and a fast read through all 579 names led to this list – in less than five minutes. Really, I was spoiled for choice.
Grotte Nail Spa Inc – this is not a good name – grotty, grout. Also “grotte” comes from the Greek meaning crypt – all very yuck associations.
Sassy Nail – this is just annoying.
Professionail – They put two words together, wow.
Twenty Two Nails – this must be the salon for people with congenital deformities and yet for some reason also has a sort of ominous crucifixion type vibe.
Chrysalis Your Urban Refuge for Nailz – you know its urban because of the “z” because everyone knows if you put a “z” on anything it becomes really street, though this message is somewhat undermined by the inclusion of the words “chrysalis” and “refuge”.
Tips and Toes – this is the salon with dried flowers in white wicker baskets and a wallpaper border running around the room with ducks in bonnets, I fucking hate ducks in bonnets.
White Angel Nail’s – what do the nails possess? Now I am really curious.
Best Top Nail – this has an awesome ESL thing going on. Also saying it fast out loud is really fun.
Nail FX – they drive fast, jump through widows, blow up and yet…stay shiny.
Phansastic Nails – why ph? Seriously, why?
Nails Care – they do, don’t they. They really, really do.
Frieda’s Nail Garage – I simply cannot picture the nail garage, unless it is actually attached to Frieda’s house.
Despite the desperate creativity going into the naming of these businesses, nowhere in my scan of the listings did the words clean, healthy or natural appear, which I think is kind of scary and also a strange sort of testament to just how weird the whole nail thing really is.
The bizarre store names go beyond nail salons. Other favorites of mine are Golden Spray clothing store – which is just unfortunate, and Emotional Rescue Hair, Etc. All I can say about that last one is the owner better be a licensed therapist or a huge Stones fan or this is one hell of a guarantee to put on a haircut. And really, after already promising emotional rescue, doesn’t the Etc. seem somehow excessive? It makes them look finally like they are just showing off.
